2011: Kick Rocks!

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a new blog post. Since my last post there have been many changes in my life: both good & bad. First big change was ending my (almost) 4 year relationship which was my first serious relationship after my marriage. It’s been a really hard road but many great things came out of that relationship, one of which was being employed again after 3 years of joblessness.

My ex & I were given the chance to run a kitchen inside a tavern. We both participated in running the business and cooking. Everything was going great but my ex more exposure for the business so he invited a local rap artist to join our business in hopes of increasing revenue. That was the worst decision he could have made because in the end he couldn’t communicate with this guy so he stepped down from running the business leaving this guy as owner & me having to answer to someone I didn’t know.

I tried to be the best employee possible but after several months of working 10 hour days with no break (which is seriously illegal), I ended up losing my job. I wasn’t let go or fired, the boss just decided to hire someone new and stopped putting me on the schedule. I’m upset that this person we invited into the business endeavor ended up stabbing us founders in the back. Some people should never be in a position of power.

Another big change was a chain reaction from losing my job – I had to move back home to live with my mom. She has asked me about a month before hand if I would move in because she was thinking about moving to Florida but didn’t know what would happen to my sister. I told her I would think about it. My ex moved upstairs and I kept our old apartment but since I didn’t have enough money saved up to make rent & pay all the bills I decided it was best to move back with my mom & sister. I wouldn’t have minded so much if there wasn’t someone already living in the bedroom I was supposed to be in so I was forced to sleep on the couch. Ah.. I could whine about this further but it doesn’t change anything so I’ll move onto more “changes”…

Back in September I decided to come to Florida and visit someone I’ve been friends with for a long time. He opened his home to me and we really hit it off fast but having just recently come out of a relationship I didn’t want to move too fast into another one so we decided to casually date across country and see where things would go. We talked every day and made plans for me to come back to Florida during the holidays. Though I was scared of labeling him as my boyfriend too soon, I couldn’t imagine a better man coming into my life.

I’ve been out here in Florida for a month now, living with my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for nearly 3 months, things are pretty serious. I’m not one to take things slow, I guess, that’s probably why most things crash & burn up in my face most of the time but how does one change the mechanics of their own heart? If I could rewire my heart to not fall in love quickly & rush into things, I would.. but that’s isn’t very realistic & I’m not going to beat myself up about it because I’m happy with my man & our life together.

New Years’ Eve is tomorrow and I’m faced with having to make some pretty dramatic choices in my life. I’m in love with someone that  lives across country & he wants me to stay with him in Florida. He talks about me enrolling into school & finding a job out here but I’m hesitant because of all these loose ends I have back in California. My family and all of my friends are there. It’s hard for me to pack up my belongings and move out here for a man. I need there to be more than that, I need some sort of security blanket. I’ve done this before (and no, not just once before) but now I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. We’ve only been dating 3 months, my heart is telling me that it’s not enough time to really know what I want.

One thing I do know is that I’m very lonely out here. My boyfriend normally works 10, 12, sometimes 14 hour days. During that time I’m left by myself in his apartment and it’s starting to take a toll on my sanity. Recently I began working out again just so I’d have something to look forward to doing daily but it’s hard being self motivated to work out. I’m not a fitness junkie at all, I like my body and though I’m thick, I don’t think there is anything wrong with my body. I’m working out so that I can rid some boredom, regain energy and hopefully not be depressed. I’ve dealt with depression my entire life and one thing that’s always help me is working out and pushing my body to extremely limits.

Part of me misses California and wants to go back home. That part of me also knows that I will return to my normal habits of hanging around mom’s house all day, smoking, drinking and not doing anything constructive like finishing my degree or trying to find a good job. Then there is this other part of me that really wants a fresh start and a new life. I can have that if I live here. My boyfriend wants me here and he’s a great motivator, wanting me to go back to school and find work. We’ve even been talking about adopting a dog which let’s me know I have to really figure out what I want and include him in on these choices.

I don’t want to hurt anyone – I’m tired of hurting other people because I make poor decision and don’t know what I truly want out of life. There is this nagging voice in my head that’s telling me I shouldn’t be in another serious relationship, it’s a distraction from work that I need be doing on myself. I’ve duct taped those nagging thoughts because even though I may know what may be best, I can’t help that I’ve fallen in love. Every bit of me wants to make things work with my boyfriend, whether we live across country or if I decide to move out here. A friend gave me great advice saying if I do move out here, we shouldn’t live together. Realistically I can’t afford my own apartment but I appreciate her wisdom because I know she’s right.

This year is practically over and all I can say is… good riddance! When I reflect back on 2011 it was a year of hardships, changes and a time for me to be faced with things I’ve tried to ignore and barry deep down before. No longer am I living in the past or regretting the bad choices I’ve made. The best thing that has happened this year essentially was my realization that life is precious and has to be lived in the here and now. Moving forward into this coming year is exciting and scary because I don’t know what lies ahead for me but one thing I do know – I want to write more! My hand written journal has been slacked on almost as much as this blog so if I could make one resolution that I know I can keep it’s to keep writing in my journal and this blog.

Kick rock 2011 & Hello lovely 2012. There is no end of the world, I’m sure we’ve interpreted the Mayan calendar all wrong. I welcome new beginnings, renewed strength and all things love & beauty. Not just for this next year but for all the many, many years we have ahead.

Blessings to all ^_^

~ Goddess of Love

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