My Tortured Heart

For a while now I’ve been feeling mixed emotions about who I am & what are the right choices to make. The stress is wearing on me mentally & physically. Friends keep asking when will I return to CA but I can’t give an honest answer, I don’t know if I ever want to go back to that life.

My boyfriend thinks I’m unhappy (here in FL) & should return home but I’m afraid as soon as I return doing the same ol’ shit I was doing before, I’ll regret it. I’m also worried about how I will survive during the time I’m looking for a job. I had a few hundred saved up after losing my job but that’s gone now. I don’t even have a few bucks to take a bus much less feed myself.

There isn’t a whole lot to return to. I’m 26, living with my mom since asked for me to move back so she could have me on the lease. The small amount of time mom is home it’s almost as if she doesn’t want us (my sister & I) around. It’s been so challenging how our family relationship has shifted but I’m unsure what to do to reconsile it all.

What I miss about CA is all the girls: Nik, Em, Sarbear, Jess, and my new friends from the Fet community Ash & Ymani. It’s difficult not having friends out here & makes it hard to picture a happy existance in FL but I’m here because I fell in love. Yes, he’s much older & yes he works really long hours but he is the most amazing person.

I feel blessed to have him as my friend & my lover. If I go back then we’ll (once again) be in a long distance relationship… honestly I don’t know how anyone can make that work. I’m an affection whore, I need kisses, cuddles & constant attention so… yeah, it’s going to be a challenge.

All I want in life is a good man (check!), a job I love going to every day & some place I can call my home. I’m tired of constantly moving. I’m tired of dealing with other peoples issues. All I want to do is live. So I ask you: can I live?