For a while now I’ve been feeling mixed emotions about who I am & what are the right choices to make. The stress is wearing on me mentally & physically. Friends keep asking when will I return to CA but I can’t give an honest answer, I don’t know if I ever want to go back to that life.

My boyfriend thinks I’m unhappy (here in FL) & should return home but I’m afraid as soon as I return doing the same ol’ shit I was doing before, I’ll regret it. I’m also worried about how I will survive during the time I’m looking for a job. I had a few hundred saved up after losing my job but that’s gone now. I don’t even have a few bucks to take a bus much less feed myself.

There isn’t a whole lot to return to. I’m 26, living with my mom since asked for me to move back so she could have me on the lease. The small amount of time mom is home it’s almost as if she doesn’t want us (my sister & I) around. It’s been so challenging how our family relationship has shifted but I’m unsure what to do to reconsile it all.

What I miss about CA is all the girls: Nik, Em, Sarbear, Jess, and my new friends from the Fet community Ash & Ymani. It’s difficult not having friends out here & makes it hard to picture a happy existance in FL but I’m here because I fell in love. Yes, he’s much older & yes he works really long hours but he is the most amazing person.

I feel blessed to have him as my friend & my lover. If I go back then we’ll (once again) be in a long distance relationship… honestly I don’t know how anyone can make that work. I’m an affection whore, I need kisses, cuddles & constant attention so… yeah, it’s going to be a challenge.

All I want in life is a good man (check!), a job I love going to every day & some place I can call my home. I’m tired of constantly moving. I’m tired of dealing with other peoples issues. All I want to do is live. So I ask you: can I live?

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a new blog post. Since my last post there have been many changes in my life: both good & bad. First big change was ending my (almost) 4 year relationship which was my first serious relationship after my marriage. It’s been a really hard road but many great things came out of that relationship, one of which was being employed again after 3 years of joblessness.

My ex & I were given the chance to run a kitchen inside a tavern. We both participated in running the business and cooking. Everything was going great but my ex more exposure for the business so he invited a local rap artist to join our business in hopes of increasing revenue. That was the worst decision he could have made because in the end he couldn’t communicate with this guy so he stepped down from running the business leaving this guy as owner & me having to answer to someone I didn’t know.

I tried to be the best employee possible but after several months of working 10 hour days with no break (which is seriously illegal), I ended up losing my job. I wasn’t let go or fired, the boss just decided to hire someone new and stopped putting me on the schedule. I’m upset that this person we invited into the business endeavor ended up stabbing us founders in the back. Some people should never be in a position of power.

Another big change was a chain reaction from losing my job – I had to move back home to live with my mom. She has asked me about a month before hand if I would move in because she was thinking about moving to Florida but didn’t know what would happen to my sister. I told her I would think about it. My ex moved upstairs and I kept our old apartment but since I didn’t have enough money saved up to make rent & pay all the bills I decided it was best to move back with my mom & sister. I wouldn’t have minded so much if there wasn’t someone already living in the bedroom I was supposed to be in so I was forced to sleep on the couch. Ah.. I could whine about this further but it doesn’t change anything so I’ll move onto more “changes”…

Back in September I decided to come to Florida and visit someone I’ve been friends with for a long time. He opened his home to me and we really hit it off fast but having just recently come out of a relationship I didn’t want to move too fast into another one so we decided to casually date across country and see where things would go. We talked every day and made plans for me to come back to Florida during the holidays. Though I was scared of labeling him as my boyfriend too soon, I couldn’t imagine a better man coming into my life.

I’ve been out here in Florida for a month now, living with my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for nearly 3 months, things are pretty serious. I’m not one to take things slow, I guess, that’s probably why most things crash & burn up in my face most of the time but how does one change the mechanics of their own heart? If I could rewire my heart to not fall in love quickly & rush into things, I would.. but that’s isn’t very realistic & I’m not going to beat myself up about it because I’m happy with my man & our life together.

New Years’ Eve is tomorrow and I’m faced with having to make some pretty dramatic choices in my life. I’m in love with someone that  lives across country & he wants me to stay with him in Florida. He talks about me enrolling into school & finding a job out here but I’m hesitant because of all these loose ends I have back in California. My family and all of my friends are there. It’s hard for me to pack up my belongings and move out here for a man. I need there to be more than that, I need some sort of security blanket. I’ve done this before (and no, not just once before) but now I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. We’ve only been dating 3 months, my heart is telling me that it’s not enough time to really know what I want.

One thing I do know is that I’m very lonely out here. My boyfriend normally works 10, 12, sometimes 14 hour days. During that time I’m left by myself in his apartment and it’s starting to take a toll on my sanity. Recently I began working out again just so I’d have something to look forward to doing daily but it’s hard being self motivated to work out. I’m not a fitness junkie at all, I like my body and though I’m thick, I don’t think there is anything wrong with my body. I’m working out so that I can rid some boredom, regain energy and hopefully not be depressed. I’ve dealt with depression my entire life and one thing that’s always help me is working out and pushing my body to extremely limits.

Part of me misses California and wants to go back home. That part of me also knows that I will return to my normal habits of hanging around mom’s house all day, smoking, drinking and not doing anything constructive like finishing my degree or trying to find a good job. Then there is this other part of me that really wants a fresh start and a new life. I can have that if I live here. My boyfriend wants me here and he’s a great motivator, wanting me to go back to school and find work. We’ve even been talking about adopting a dog which let’s me know I have to really figure out what I want and include him in on these choices.

I don’t want to hurt anyone – I’m tired of hurting other people because I make poor decision and don’t know what I truly want out of life. There is this nagging voice in my head that’s telling me I shouldn’t be in another serious relationship, it’s a distraction from work that I need be doing on myself. I’ve duct taped those nagging thoughts because even though I may know what may be best, I can’t help that I’ve fallen in love. Every bit of me wants to make things work with my boyfriend, whether we live across country or if I decide to move out here. A friend gave me great advice saying if I do move out here, we shouldn’t live together. Realistically I can’t afford my own apartment but I appreciate her wisdom because I know she’s right.

This year is practically over and all I can say is… good riddance! When I reflect back on 2011 it was a year of hardships, changes and a time for me to be faced with things I’ve tried to ignore and barry deep down before. No longer am I living in the past or regretting the bad choices I’ve made. The best thing that has happened this year essentially was my realization that life is precious and has to be lived in the here and now. Moving forward into this coming year is exciting and scary because I don’t know what lies ahead for me but one thing I do know – I want to write more! My hand written journal has been slacked on almost as much as this blog so if I could make one resolution that I know I can keep it’s to keep writing in my journal and this blog.

Kick rock 2011 & Hello lovely 2012. There is no end of the world, I’m sure we’ve interpreted the Mayan calendar all wrong. I welcome new beginnings, renewed strength and all things love & beauty. Not just for this next year but for all the many, many years we have ahead.

Blessings to all ^_^

~ Goddess of Love

A closer look:

My mission? To work hard and endulge in all the pleasures life has to offer.

I’m no longer going to complain about what I don’t have and what I can’t do. Now that I’m 26 I feel a bit more mature and ready to accept responsibility for the way I live my life. I’m not perfect, but every day I want to strive to reach my ideal of perfection.

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve spent all day on the computer, mostly on Tumblr. Now it’s time to go to work!

Will write more once I have more to say.. XOXO

(c) me.

More of my old poetry here

Visited the grocery store so I could get cake mix, frosting and ice cream!! Her favorite type of cake is yellow cake with Rainbow chip frosting, so that’s what I made. Waiting for the cake to cool so I call frost that bitch up! Mmmm cake!! I’m such a fat kid, hahahahaha..

Tonight is GRIMEY @The Townhouse which is there dubstep night. I’m thinking about going, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone out & I’m really wanting to dance. I love to dance! I wish I was better at it but really dont care what every one around me is doing when I’m in the zone, I just love the way good music makes my body move & feel. It’s indescribably, really. Made a few phone calls to see if anyone wants to go with me.. Maybe Kim since it’s her birthday but she tends to like rock music, I dunno how she’ll be receptive to dubstep. I guess theres only one way to find out really

Time to frost the cake!

Damn.

Unconditionally
I love you more and more
With each passing day
My body is given to you
Placed into your hands
Unconditionally
I present you with the
Gift of my heart
Perfectly wrapped
In a pretty black box
Unconditionally
I seal our love with a kiss
Gloss full lips
Oh so sugary sweet

We would all REALLY appreciate it.

Many thanks,

- The Goddess Of Love

I gathered up all the love in the universe to send to you, but it wasn’t quite enough, so I borrowed a little from the one next door. They were happy to spare it for you. I know things must be awfully shitty right now, but remember that you have a star burning in your heart that nothing can put out. Sometimes it feels dimmed, but the spark is always there. Let that spark keep you warm until you have the strength to let it flare up again. It will burn all the brighter for it, I promise you. Rest, be well, and remember that you ARE the Goddess, and She has blessed you. Of course, Her gifts are always double-edged, but so is life.

I copied this here so I can come back from time to time and remind myself of all the support and compassion from my loved ones. I never thought I would do it but I finally left a situation that left me feeling more than unfulfilled and used up. This is in no way saying I was mistreated, on the contrary, all the love in the world couldn’t fix all the unfair reasons why we can’t be together. But now that I’m gone, I have a journey of the unknown ahead of me.

This is my first time in a long time being single. I have never lived alone and though it may still not be the time to because of finances, getting my own place is my no. 1 goal and what I am striving to accomplish when I get a job. Two or three jobs is fine with me, the holidays are coming up so I would imagine a lot of people need help. I’m looking into a few career possibilities, one of which my grandma has been trying to convince me of doing because of the potential to travel and learn. I’m excited and optimistic to what the future holds because I know I’m a hard worker and can excel at anything I put my mind to.

The hardest part has been being away from him. When I close my eyes I’m flooded with memories and sensations of him holding me tight, it makes it hard to breathe. He is so wonderful. I haven’t seen him since we broke up but on a phone call today he calmed my nerves about money problems and said he would help me find some where to live. He doesn’t have to help me, I just broke his heart, but he cant help but be kind-hearted, it’s why I fell for him so hard & continue to love him. I hope we will always be best friends.

I might get my biggest wish and be able to move to Vancouver with the help of the amazing friend who me the letter above. Just thinking of her radiance is enough, more than all the love in the universes combined.

- GoL